What Am I Doing?...

A recurring question that keeps being thrown at me is, "what are you doing?" It's more of a life question than anything. As in, "what direction are you headed in your life?" I usually respond that nothing has changed since the last time you asked and it's true, not much has changed just because I've changed addresses. I've had a few realizations one of the most important being today. I was at an interview for a marketing company (actually this was my second interview with them - my fate to be decided tomorrow) and I had sort of an epiphany. I guess not so much an epiphany as a confirmation of something I already know: I don't want to do sales. During my preliminary interview yesterday I was asked why I'm shifting my direction after studying English then going to film school and now trying to do sales. Why was I suddenly changing my field. I came up with some solid crap to shovel at him and I guess it was good enough to land a second interview today, but I wasn't ready for that question.

I'm not changing direction. In fact my direction couldn't be more singularly focused on one aspect of film, which is writing (however poorly that may be). So I'm sitting there today in what was part interview part training and all I could think of was that classic scene in Say Anything where Lloyd Dobbler (John Cusack) is asked by the dad from Fraiser what he wanted to do with his life and he responds, "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." That's pretty much exactly how I feel. I need a full time job to be a person but really, if it's not something that interests me or something that I believe in or something temporary like working in a restaurant, I'm gonna wanna kill myself. Granted it might have to happen in the short term, but no way I can do it in the long term. Lloyd Dobbler goes on to say that he wants to try and start a career in the emerging sport of Kickboxing, and while I don't necessarily want to do the same thing, I'm forging a path down a similarly career limited street.

I also came across a passage in Steve Martin's book Born Standing Up, that also illustrates my thoughts as I make a move at this age and state of career in my life, "I was 28 years old when a bleak thought occurred to me: "What if nothing happens?" I had never really imagined success; I was just trying to be a performer, but I could not see myself playing dreary nightclubs into my thirties, forties and fifties. I would have struggled composing a real world resume, as my abilities were at best vague and at worst unusable. I decided to give it until I was thirty, and then I would figure out something else to do." This is actually almost verbatim (minus the performing in nightclubs aspect) what I said before I moved out here.

So next time you ask what I'm doing, instead ask my how my screenplays are going or how my temporary job is or what I'm working on now - but as far as what I'm doing: it's the same. To quote Beautiful Girls, "nothing changes 'round here but the seasons."

"I don't know, I can't really figure it all out tonight, sir. I'm Just kind of hangin' with your daughter." Go big.

-M, p, z & shredder

oh ps - as fate would have it, the youtube gods have once again provided visual supposrt for a quote.