The Death of Indiana Jones...

I grew up on Indiana Jones. I remember being 7 and watching The Last Crusade in theaters. I used to pretend I was him and ran around with a jump rope as my whip swinging onto trees. I think he's the first person to ever make a man bag look cool. Really cool. So I was more than excited for The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If not for the new Batman, I would probably say that I haven't been this excited for a movie since I was sorely disappointed by X-3. But man, was I ever let down.



















It might be the worst movie I've seen in theaters in years. It was such a joke I can't even explain. Without really giving anything away, the movie is kind of like a really lame episode of the x-files. It had no mystery in it. No sense of adventure. It had a couple things that made me happy. To quote My Chemical Romance, "I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene." It seriously went downhill right after the opening scene. If you haven't seen it then read no further, unless you don't care. I'm going to divulge some things here.

***SPOILERS***

So first of all, right after the opening scene that takes place at a military testing ground that happens to also be the same site of the infamous warehouse where they keep the Ark (from Raiders), he ends up in the middle of a test community and can hear that they are about to test a bomb. So he hides in a lead lined refrigerator and they drop a nuclear bomb. He survives a nuclear bomb in a fridge? Really? They show the fridge being blasted away from the site and thrown high up in the air and smashed down repeatedly and somehow he just opens the door and walks out without a scratch? Doubt it.

Instead of making it an archeological expedition filled with mystery and adventure, it was one big chase scene where everything was laid out in front of him. Cate Blanchette was as bad as everyone else. She wasn't threatening at all. I didn't eve care about her or the story. It was one long silly scene. Actually I was so afraid that Shia was going to ruin the movie but he ended up being the only person worth watching. He character wasn't the best and kind of silly, but he brought something to it and I thought he did a good job. But him swinging with the monkeys in the jungle like Tarzan?!?! Then having the monkeys attack Cate Blanchette?!?! WTF!! I lost it at that point.

After that the movie went completely downhill. It was so ridiculous and silly that it made no sense. The great thing about Indiana Jones is that he's not a super hero. He is just a professor who loves to find hidden treasures. He can get hurt and does and that is what made him awesome. But in this movie, after surviving the nuclear bomb, he repeatedly gets hit and shot at and falls down waterfalls and never has more than a couple bruises on his face.

The ending is what killed me though. I was already close to walking out of the movie, which I have never done in my life, and then the ending came and made me wish I had never set foot in that theater. They replace the skull and then the "temple" they are in turn into a f**king space ship. Are you kidding me? Then the 13 alien skeletons can reform now that the last skull is replaced and it becomes an alien who comes back to life and looks and awful like E.T.'s dad and just stares at Cate Blanchette until she blows up because apparently despite the fact that these aliens supposedly taught the Mayans how to farm and build things, they also hate Cate Blanchette because she wanted to be smart. Then of course the spaceship lifts off and flies away and Indiana Jones, his son, his wife and their friend are all safely perched above the collapse of an area that was probably a mile wide and it fills up with water and washes away all the evidence.

I wish it washed away the evidence of the movie. It f**cking sucked. Balls. I'm so mad. What a waste. They killed Indy.

I'm out. Go big.

-M, p, z & shredder

oh ps - as if this wasn't enough. George Lucas already has plans to bring back Shia Labeouf in new Indiana Jones movies where he takes over the franchise. Since it is Indy's son they probably won't even change the name. Dear god, shoot me now. Please. In the eyes. So I never have to see this bull shit again.