So I was driving to work a little while ago and i was waiting at a stop light just watching traffic. I noticed this kid in the backseat of a car with his face pressed up against the window looking wide eyed with his mouth wide open. I started to laugh because it was a pretty fun sight, or at least from a distance. As the car passed my i realized that it was actually a kid with downs who clrealy could not close his mouth and his face was not, in fact, pressed up against the window - that was just what it looked like. So after feeling like an asshole i decided that i am going to hell. Then i got to thinking about it and as long as i am going down there i might as well talk about some people who are going with me...
Kris B: A similar story: Outside a bar there was this guying yelling incoherently and slurring all his words. Kris turned and said out loud "Damn, that guy is blasted!" To which someone informed Kris that the person yelling had autism. He's going to Hell.
Peter G: (my brother told me this story years ago and i can't help but laugh). I believe it happened on the streets of DC on their 8th grade field trip there. Anyways they were walking down the street and Peter accidentally stepped on a homeless guys banana, to which the homeless man said "Hey man, that was all my food!" After that the man asked Peter for some money to buy lunch but poor Peter had none. Alas, Peter is now going to hell.
Raky P: After seeing the great Mohammed Ali carry the olympic torch, Raky busted out laughing hysterically. Then he goes into an impersonation of Mohammed Ali, walking around shaking uncontrollably and putting out his hand (while shaking) asking people, "You wanna shake my hand?" A knock on millions of people who suffer from Parkinson's. He's going to Hell.
Muki M: At a wedding a couple summers ago, muki's level of out-of-control drunkeness was inexcusable. He got so blasted he started dancing with sheela who is a family friend that we have known forever and by dancing i mean leaning on her with all of his weight and gently swaying back and forth in a stupor. Then later i caught him talking to a group of girls (again family friends)...only he was kneeling on the ground with his fists on the ground like an ape. I then got him up and to the bathroom where he punched the concrete wall (his hand hurt for months afterwards (he scared rajiv)). After leaving the bathroom he was mad that i made him puke and he said "I don't care if you are my brother i will fucking kill you!" Then while i was on a liquor run with rushi, he stole his car keys from sameer (he was holding them because muki was threatening to drive home) and made sameer (who isn't big on running) chase him around the parking lot at the hotel at 2 in the morning. Needless to say muki did not drink at another wedding for a year and to this day he says he will never do it again. From his antics on that night he is definitely going to hell.
Actually Kris and I will be travelling to a deeper dimension of Hell. Last year on my brother's birthday we took a party bus out to Pontiac to go to some club. Afterwards we were completely blasted and in dire need of some food. We see a Taco Bell across the road and decide to run over there. Unfortunately only the drive through was open... Drunk logic made us assume that for some reason it would be legit if we walked through the drive through. After waiting at the call-box, where one would usually order food, to no avail we decided to walk up to the window. This is the conversation that followed betwe
en us and the guy who worked the pay window (fortunately i had a camera to document that great moment in our lives (tell me we don't look blasted))"Guy: You guys can't be doin this.
Kris:
Guy: You can't walk through the drive-thru.
Me: We're really hungry.
Kris: Please man, I just gotta eat. Seriously. Please.
Guy:
uys need?"Anyways there are much more people going to hell and i will inform you of who they are and their terrible deeds in an ongoing segment heretofore known as "Take me to Hell" (said the same way one would say "take me to jail," in a martin lawrence sort of twang).
Anyways as always keep your feet on the ground but keep reaching for the stars.
I'm out
-marty
oh ps - 'hustle and flow' makes me want to follow my dreams of being a music producer...If you have any wild dreams or aspriations let me know and maybe we can collaberate on something.
5 comments:
I'll see you there...today on the bus I saw a homeless man with a large paperclip lodged up his right nostril and all I could think about was how funny it would be if he laughed and it got stuck in his brain.
I met the guy I'm seeing because he turned to me at a party and said, "Wow, that guy's like Newman on Seinfeld, except retarded."
And I was like, "That's my friend. He has Asperger's Syndrome, dipshit, and also he's drunk."
And they lived happily ever after.
-Caitlin
Definately...definately the low point of an already terrible summer. Showing up late to the wedding started that downward spiral, because there is nothing worse than arriving to a hall full of slightly tipsy to rip roaring drunk Indians. They no longer feel the need to disguise their disgust at your lack of an M.D. or B.S. in science (at least my paltry english degree gets me a table furthest from the wedding party and thus, closest to the open bar). So I made up for it by going dollar for dollar with some crazy Jain who hates meat but loves whiskey. All that said, there is still no excuse. Not gonna happen again.
Speaking of going to hell, have you ever seen this email before? I just got it from another friend of mine and it reminded me how funny it was the first time I saw it. Check it out.
PS: See you in hell, Eddie, 1!!!
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets into Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionally as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Cool story you got here. I'd like to read more concerning this topic. The only thing it would also be great to see on this blog is some pictures of some gadgets.
Nickolas Flouee
Cell phone jammer
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