Just wanted to relay a quick story from yesterday. I've mentioned this before, but as soon as I crack a beer, my bladder shrinks to the size of a peanut. Seriously. So yesterday I was at a going away party for a friend of mine and over the course of a few hours had several beers. I can't be sure exactly how many times I went, but during the course of beer pong, it's a pretty safe bet that I had to go after every re-rack. I didn't really want to get drunk so I decided to take off around 8 o'clock. I peed twice right before I left to make sure I wouldn't have to go before I got home.
My friend lives on 30th and 3rd and I live in 169th and Amsterdam. You can look for yourself on a map to see how far apart that is, but basically it takes me around an hour to get home. It could take less time but I enjoy walking, and end up essentially walking across the island to get to my train, which I then need to take up 130 blocks. I was almost to my subway stop when I started to get the feeling that I needed to go. I decided that it wasn't very bad and I could hold it until I got home. After getting downstairs, I realized I had just missed my train. By the time the next one came around about 15 minutes later, the intensity had increased quite a bit. The train I take runs express and it stops at 34th, 59th, 125th, 145th and 169th so I was pretty confident I could make it the 4 stops until I got home. Unfortunately I had never actually been on a train when I've had to pee and didn't realize all the shaking and swaying of the train would exponentially increase how bad I needed to go. By 59th St I was visibly shaking and I had crossed my legs as tightly as I could.
I was tempted to get off at 59th but decided if I focused I could hold it. As soon as the train left I realized I had made a mistake. It wouldn't be stopping for another 70 blocks and that was a lot of swaying. Finally I got to a point where I had to get up and walk around so I wouldn't pee my pants. I tried everything to focus on something else but you know how it is when you have to go that badly. By the time we were at 103rd I was hunched over holding it in and by the time we went by 116th I was smiling knowing we would be there in a second. 125th is a pretty big stop and I knew there was a bathroom there unlike most, so as soon as the doors opened I sprinted out confident I was going to be relieved in a few seconds. I found the bathroom within 30 seconds and pulled the handle only to discover it was locked. I kept pulling and pounding on the door before I saw the padlock on it and knew it was hopeless. As I was doing this a police officer came out of the employees only bathroom next door and I immediately pleaded with him to let me use it. I was hunched over imploring him to let me pee and he was apparently sent by the devil because he told me no but said I could try the women's bathroom if it was unlocked. It wasn't. He then told me to go upstairs to McDonalds. This was a great idea. I sprinted (literally sprinting) to the McDonalds and ran straight to the bathroom only to see a huge sign that said out of order (actually it said "out of odor" which I thought was funny but would have been much more amusing had I not been practically peeing my pants.)
So I ask the guy holding the door open if he knows where the nearest bathroom is (I couldn't see a Starbucks anywhere) and he tells me the bathroom is out of order. I say I know, that's why I asked him if he knew of another one. He points across the street to Popeye's and tell me they have one. I run across the street and find the bathroom and it works - only there's a line. This was the most crowded rowdy Popeye's I've ever been in - to give some context (not to sound overly racist) but it was a Popeye's Chicken in the middle of Harlem, so you can assume it was crowded. The guy in the front of the line sees me hunched over practically holding my junk like a 4 year old and asks if I'd like to go next. I look up and see that this guy, who kind of looked homeless, was wearing a crazy tux, almost like he was a bathroom angel. I took one of the longer pees of my life, came out and thanked the guy who had put on an ascot and gold sunglasses while I was in the bathroom and headed back into the world having come the closest I've been to peeing my pants since I peed on the side of the Rayburn building at Inauguration.
I'm out. As always, go big or go home.
-M, p, z & shredder
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